Dispelling Femdom Myths

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Femdom Myths

Hello and welcome back to KINKology: the psychology of kink, the podcast that explores the intersection between kink and psychology, and everything in between. Im your host, Ms Becky, current femdom former therapist, here to help you release your inner freak. I thought it may be fun to explore and dispel some of the more pesky myths that persist despite all efforts to vanquish them. So I scoured the internet for some of the most commons misconceptions regarding femdom that exist and we will discuss them one by one.

The first set of myths we shall be dispelling is from “What is Femdom: Breaking Myths and Misconceptions” By the Goddess Vamp.

Femdom Myth #1: Femdom is All About Pain and Punishment

Now variations of this myth permeate popular culture, and this type of reductionistic thinking reduces our sexuality to nothing more than physical impulses, and couldn’t be further from the truth. People think that femdom is nothing more than chains and whips and cock and ball torture simply because some of us enjoy some good old fashioned ball busting. I would actually say that pain and punishment isn’t even the core of femdom- power exchange and power dynamics are. Femdom is essential a social contract for a women led dynamic, where the submissive agrees to place themselves under the control of another person, to varying degrees. The extend in which pain and punishment enters the dynamic depends entirely on the desires of wishes of all parties involved. Pain and punishment could feature heavily in the dynamic between an extreme sadist and extreme masochist, but may hardly even register in a softer, more sensual dynamic. Sidenote: One of the things I love about femdom is the fact that it blows away societal expectations from the dynamic totally, allowing each and every relationship to be customized to precisely what each party wants. So this notion that YOUR relationship dynamic has to conform to the standard of pain and punishment because thats what others do… well, thats a holdover from vanilla, normie culture and we don’t play that sick, twisted stuff here.

Now, do pain and punishment have a valid role in femdom? Yes. They both have a valid place in life altogether, matter of fact. Let’s start with examining the role pain plays, then we will explore the role of punishment. Pain plays a profound, often underappreciated role in teaching us about life. It functions as one of the most honest and effective teachers we have available to us. Raw, unfiltered, and impossible to ignore truths are revealed through pain. While pleasure can seduce us into complacency or illusion, pain cuts through the noise and forces confrontation with reality. Pain reflects our priorities and makes us honor what truly matters to us. When something hurts- whether physical like an injury, emotional heartbreak or loss, or existential pain like failure and regret- it immediately highlights what we truly value. In our pain, we can assess what our true needs are, our boundaries, our limits, and our values. Pain is also necessary to grow resilient and strong. Pain gives us the ability to grow from failures. Pain also gives us the opportunity to appreciate the good, highlighting the contrast between pain and pleasure. Pains primary use is to prompt us to change, to show us where our actions result in undesired consequences. It provides data about the impact of our actions, thus is a great tool for creating positive change. Likewise, punishment is a tool to change behavior. Punishment reflects a causal relationship between behavior and outcomes, and emphasizes a need to realign behavior in a way the elicits a positive response. Within femdom, punishment is a form of immediate corrective feedback regarding a behavior or decision made by the submissive.

So both pain and punishment can be used to reinforce the power exchange at the heart of femdom, and both have the fantastic utility towards behavioral change. But that doesn’t mean that femdom relationships revolve around them. They are simply one of many tools we use to reinforce this power exchange dynamic. They are not even the most effective tools for behavior change. Praise is much more effective to change behavior then punishment is, if you want the truth of the matter.

 

Myth #2: Femdom is Cruel or Abusive

This is a myth that can be easily refuted, despite plenty of evidence of cruel, abusive appearing behavior within many femdom scenes. I definitely understand how this myth came into being, as many of the things that are incorporated into femdom scenes can appear abusive or cruel, such as erotic humiliation & degradation, cock and ball torture, pain play in general, objectification and dehumanization, and more. The main thing that differentiates this from being cruel or abusive is the cornerstone of all BDSM play- consent. Its not cruel and abusive to give someone the sexual experience of their dreams, now is it? The thing that people don’t understand is by offering these sexual delights, we are the givers of something so precious and invaluable- true acceptance and belongingness. For a lot of the people I play with, I am the ONLY person that they feel safe to show that side of themselves to. And I always talk about the importance of being seen, being witnessed, as a cornerstone to our spiritual journey. I believe that the reason we are here spiritually can be summed up as being here to “See and be seen, to Love and be loved and to understand an be understood”. I feel that in witnessing people in their sexual rawness, their realness, stripped of self protective layers, I am assisting them spiritually in being seen, loved and understood. Witnessed.

I actually had a subby- a slutty sissy bimbo girl- who loved public humiliation. I would be in session with her and she would ache and throb as I instructed her to summarize what we had discussed, or what she deserved, and have her post them in Enchantrix Empire publicly so people could see what a pathetic slut she was for me. So it made her feel seen and acknowledged, accepted even, when I would publicly humiliate her, right? Well, one day another caller very sweetly and very innocently asked me why I was being so cruel to to this subby, so mean, when they knew that I wasn’t a cruel or mean person. It was then that I realized just how my behavior was coming off, without the necessary context, without knowing how much the erotic humiliation and exposure scratched my slut’s itch, even in a kinky setting. Once you realize that this level of cruelty and abuse is a kindness wrapped in steel, it reframes the entire conversation.

Also there is the concept of doing shadow work, bringing our unconscious shadows to the light to be integrated so these shadowy forces don’t control us without our consent. By enacting cruelty or abuse in a safe and structured environment, it can actually be paradoxically freeing, even healing, both for the submissive and the femdom.

Finally, I would like to point out cruelty and abuse isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, and as stated, kink relationships are entirely customizable to individual preferences. There are plenty of warm, nurturing, sensual femdoms out there that do not use cruelty or abuse as part of their practice, just as there are submissives who dream of being controlled but not abused.

 

Myth #3: Femdom is Only for the Bedroom

Femdom dynamics are not only sexual, they can be mental, spiritual, intellectual. There are plenty of femdom dynamics that do not involve any sexual activities, just power exchange… although I would say that many activities can be sexualized through the femdom perspective. So whereas washing dishes isn’t a sexual activity on its own, washing the dishes in your sissy maid uniform for the pleasure of serving Mistress can take on a sexual component. I think femdom eroticizes mundane activities, which is part of the appeal of BDSM related kink altogether. The fact that BDSM can transform the mundane into sacred with a simple shift in perspective is one of the greatest qualities of kink. Femdom engages the spiritual self, the mental self, the emotional self, the intellectual self, and therefore can be used in any of those contexts.

The extent that people integrate kink into their life can also vary. There are people who only have a strictly sexual dynamic with subs, to Female Led or Wife Led Relationships, to maintaining a full 24/7 dynamic with no breaks. For some people this is something they can slip in and out of, like a comfortable robe. For others, it is as inherent to their being as their own skin is, and simply cannot be removed anymore than one can remove their flesh from their skeleton. There is no right or wrong way to do a femdom dynamic, other than assuring that it is safe, sane and consensual.

Matter of fact it is really common for professional femdom to never engage in sexual activity with their submissives, who would never even contemplate it and would be offended by the mere suggestion. The connection goes much deeper than just sexual, and their control is permeated throughout the subby’s life, not just in the sexual sphere.

More than anything, what I want you to take from this is that there is no “right” way to have a dynamic with a femdom and no “wrong” way, other than situations that fall outside the safe, sane and consensual pillars of kink.

 

 

Myth #4: Men Who Submit Are Weak

This is a wild misconception and has a lot to do with toxic masculinity and the false flag of “manliness” that we see in today’s society. You know the version- the strong man, loud mouth, egotistical, bossy man being the peek of modern masculinity. The concept of “submitting” to anyone, much less a woman, is viewed as being weak. This tired stereotype is absolutely rooted in outdated, narrow ideas of masculinity that no longer serve us as a species. What we view as “alpha behavior” is really traumatized behavior, and I mean that literally. The research originally done on defining alpha behavior in other species was done on wolves in captivity and shows how the males reacted to being essentially prisoners, not how they act in the wild. And it’s the same here. Its not brave to pretend you dont have fear, vulnerabilities, that you don’t experience regrets or don’t make mistakes. Is actually exceedingly mentally weak for one to cling to these self soothing illusions over facing the reality of their own condition. And its not brave of you to pretend that your masculinity is somehow harmed by allowing a women to take the lead, or even to admit that you crave exactly that.

Anyone who has actually ever submitted can tell you that it is not easy, nor is it a reflection of their weakness. Instead it is absolutely requires courage, strength, and mental fortitude. You have to know yourself, face your fears, and be willing to be stripped of your ego, your dignity, sometimes even your personhood. It is actually a very brave thing to do. In reality, choosing to submit in a femdom dynamic often requires the opposite of weakness: significant strength, self-awareness, trust, and emotional courage. Anything that requires vulnerability, true baring of your soul, is an act of great courage and femdom definitely requires vulnerability. The men who submit to femdom are actually typically highly intelligent, many are highly accomplished, successful men who simply enjoy letting their women take the lead from them so they dont have to be so in control, so fucking productive all the time, almost as a counter balance to being so in control in other areas.

A man is not weak for enjoying femdom submission any more than a woman is weak for enjoying being dominated, or a couple is weak for having egalitarian sex. Kink is a playground for exploring power, trust, and pleasure- not a personality test or a ranking of human worth. Strength shows up in how responsibly and authentically someone engages with their sincere desires, not in whether they top or bottom.

 

Myth #5: Dommes Are Born, Not Made

Listen, I do believe that there is some cross section of the population that is born into their sexual kink orientation, the same way that some people are born homosexual or heterosexual. I do not believe that this applies to everyone, though- I feel there are some people who can access various roles and sexualities in a more fluid manner. But I also believe that people can learn a set of skills enough to be proficient in femdom, no matter their starting place. That, to me, is the crux of this myth. I think the skills involved in femdom can be learned as any skill can be learned, and that this isn’t something people either have or don’t have. Really, femdom is a set of behavioral and psychological skills that combine knowledge of the mind and of desire, and the ability to wield that knowledge as a tool- or weapon, if you are feeling frisky. This absolutely can be learned and practiced, improved upon and perfected.

I think one reason that a lot of women think they could never do something like this is because of the social conditioning they undergo that tells them to be “good, kind, humble, nice” at all times in order to “be in their feminine”, much in the same way men are conditioned to be cold, unemotional, logical, aggressive and thats how they can be “real men”. I think its this conditioning that stands in the way of people being fully authentic, which is naturally expansive. What I mean by that is that if we were all naturally authentic, I personally believe that we all have the capacity to embody submission and dominance, though not necessarily the same drive to do so, if that makes sense. But I do believe that unless something is wrong, like in the case of antisocial personality disorder, most of us have the capacity to embody the full spectrum of humanity if one has the drive to. We can’t be everything, though, so we make choices about what we pursue and what we don’t. But my ability to embody submission, dominance, hatred, compassion, the full spectrum of humanity is present, but often dormant due to a variety of conditioning from society.

But if you have the drive to do it, the interest in doing so, it can absolutely be a learned skill.

 

The next set of femdom myths comes from electrasantiago.com in an article entitled “Debunking BDSM Myths: Separating Fact from Fiction”

Myth #6: Dominants are Always in Control

Oh, how I wish this were true. I really, really do. But alas, this is not so. Not in any sense of the word. Dominants live in the same world we all live in, and one constant is our inability to control the world around us. In fact, I would argue that the only control we really have is our own reaction, and in many cases, we can’t even do that. So no, Dominants aren’t always in control, not even in the relationship dynamic. Dominants aren’t super humans that have the ability to maintain their cool no matter what the circumstances. We are very, very human as well. We get scared, and angry. We grieve and experience loss, we mourn. We experience the full range of emotions. We aren’t always the strong ones- we have our own weaknesses, our own softness, our own vulnerabilities. So from the perspective of being always in control emotionally, I would hope that you understand that it just isn’t so and not judge us too harshly for that, ok?

But what about control in the relationship dynamic?

It is a well known little secret that submissives actually hold the real control of the dynamic through their consent. The final decision to submit, to obey, lies with the submissive, outside any genuinely abusive relationship dynamic that is non consensual. Submissives set their hard and soft limits, their boundaries, help shape the dynamic as much as the Dominant does. Both are faced with the decision to engage in the relationship dynamic or not, and control of the dynamic is damned near perfectly equally shared. Yes, the Dominant leads and exercises the control, but the submissive ultimately grants them that power… and can revoke it at any time.

 

Myth #7: BDSM is Only for Extreme Kinksters

Now this one is a myth that stops people from exploring their sexuality to its fullest, and I take a lot of pleasure in dispelling this myth. The idea that you need to be extremely kinky to play around with BDSM, Femdom or D/s dynamics is just not true. Femdom can be light and sensual, playing with sensation play and light power exchange. Many people may be experimenting with BDSM without even realizing it, as they break out the fuzzy handcuffs for a little tease and delay play. Regardless of what you experience level is, if there is an interest, then there is a place for you in our community. The kinkster community is very respectful of personal boundaries and encourages everyone to cultivate the sexual experiences of their dreams without compromising their boundaries. Its really a fantastic, open, accepting and rich community that will go out of its way to ensure you are comfortable.

If you have a passing interest in femdom dynamics and want to explore ways to scratch that itch, there are plenty of places to begin that search. You could go with a trusted resource such as myself, an individual practitioner that could help you explore your desires at a deeper level. You could explore with a trusted sexual partner, which could have the added bonus of empowering another woman to rise up and take the power that so rightfully belongs to her anyways. You could explore the kink community through social platforms like fetlife.

If you have the desire but don’t know where to begin, I would love to hear from you. I enjoy setting men on the right path towards female supremacy, lol.

Myth #8: BDSM Practitioners Have a Psychological Problem

Now this is a myth I quite enjoy dispelling. When I was in school to become a therapist, I had to take a Human Sexuality course as a part of the program. One day in class, Dominatrixes came up. The whole class uniformly decided that a Dominatrix could not have a healthy relationship with their sexuality or another person, because obviously that was unhealthy, right? Well, no, not right. The opposite from right, as a matter of fact. I tookm on the whole class that day, and feel very vindicated by the enormous wealth of research that has since come out backing up my claim that there is nothing inherently unhealthy in BDSM dynamics. So let’s get into some of the research and what it says.

I wont get into it all, but I will review just a couple statistics from a Psychology Today article entitled “Are BDSM Players Psychologically Healthy?”. They cited a few studies that I want to share with you.

• Italian researches compared the mental health of people who practice BDSM and those who dont and found that BDSM players reported less sexual distress and more sexual satisfaction than those who did not practice BDSM
• The mental health of several hundred BDSM practitioners was administered a panel of psychological tests and we all found to be within normal limits as compared with other populations mental health
• Australian research found that all the people who practiced BDSM within their study tested psychologically healthy with no disproportionate history of sexual abuse or trauma.
• Norther Illinois University found that participation in BDSM activities lowered cortisol levels and reduced stress.
• Dutch researchers administered personality tests to 902 kinksters and 434 non kinsters and concluded the following: “Overall, the kinksters were “less neurotic, more conscientious, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, less sensitive to rejection, and showed greater subjective well-being.” They found that Doms scored the most healthy, then submissives, and that the least healthy were the conventional group- the normies, if you will.

So no, BDSM practitioners routinely test within normal limits to even elevated levels of mental health as compared with vanilla practitioners. They don’t have elevated rates of sexual abuse or trauma either.

The last set of myths I found were from “Debunking Femdom Myths: Separating Facts from Fiction” from Femdom Training.

 

Myth #9: Femdom Relationships Lack Emotional Connection

So the concept that Femdom Relationships lack emotional connection is so wild to me, just because the emotional intensity, intimacy and level of connection that I have in my Femdom dynamics far exceeds any achieved within my vanilla dynamics. My relationships with my subbies is wildly close, so loving, that it cracks me up people think of it as being cold. Listen, are there transactional relationship dynamics? For sure, and there is nothing wrong with that. Most relationships in the vanilla world have some level of transactional basis, but the difference is that they couple their transactions with deceit while kinksters are a bit more upfront about it. And at their core, relationships are kinda transactional, as much as many of us don’t like to hear that. I scratch your back, you scratch mine is the basis for like… most? of the relationships that we have, and that is not inherently unhealthy. Vulnerability and trust create powerful emotional connections within Femdom dynamics that deepen the relationship dynamic, and things like aftercare cuddling and check ins reinforce that connection.

 

Myth #10: All Dommes Are the Same- Strict and Unapproachable

Dominant women come in all different flavors, with the same level of variance that any population has. There are sweet, nurturing, playful Dommes, there are strict, unapproachable Dommes, and everything in between. There isn’t one way to do anything, and reducing the rich, vibrant cross section of individual dominant women down to one narrow archetype is vaguely insulting. Also its important to keep in mind that the individual dynamic is shaped by the submissive as much as it is shaped by the Dominant, so the result of that is equally shared.

 

Myth #11: Femdom Is Anti-Feminist or Degrading to Women

So the inclusion of this myth surprised me for a hot second, but once I saw where they were coming from I understood exactly what it means. This myth is based on femdom reinforcing the harmful stereotype that women are overly controlling or manipulative. But despite this stereotype existing, femdom actually is very empowering to women and helps unravel the absolute dumpster fire that is the patriarchy. It challenges deep seated notions that women should always be gentle and nurturing, and places women exactly where they belong- in the driver’s seat. Femdoms are deeply feminist, in my experience, although there is always a falsehood in blanket statements because I am sure we could find at least one very conflicted, anti-feminist women out there to make me a liar. But in the most part, the exact opposite of this myth is true. Femdom frees women from restrictive gender based roles and allows us to choose our role in the relationship dynamic, empowering women, not degrading them.

So there you have it- the myths and falsehoods regarding femdom all picked apart neatly for your listening pleasure. I hope you enjoyed this episode of KINKology: the psychology of kink! I am your kinkologist, Ms Becky, and you can find me at intelligentphonesexcalls.com, on X @msbeckyenchants, and on discord as ldwbecky.

I have some announcements before we go as well.

As always, big thanks to David MacLeod for the sound and to the ladies of Femdom Fridays for the comradery.

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